I went on NC with HIM. I didn't think I would ever hear from HIM again. And then HE texted me before the week was up, telling me HE ran into a friend of mine somewhere. And HE asked if I went for a gathering which happened LAST WEEK. I replied, so you saw her, ok and which gathering you talking about? HE explained, I told him I was busy consulting my dean regarding a possible master's degree. And HE was like, good on you, go for it, don't be like me.. HE also mentioned "All the brownie points I've earned are now expired" and HE went as far as to mention "You're the best gf I've had. Now I know why people say it's so hard to forget your first". Never replied.
And HE sent text after text that night which I only replied to two:
HIM: If I were to go on this trip to genting (a mountain top theme park we went to last Valentine's), you wanna come along?
Me: *silence*
HIM: Cos maybe I might be going with my friends
Me: No thanks
HIM: Can you tell me your other terms again? Besides wanting to meet my friends.
Me:*sents some random lines from a chinese song which I know he won't understand to aggravate him* and then continues ignoring him
HIM: It takes years to build up trust and only suspicion, not proof to destroy it
HIM: Stuff I learned, the people you care most about leave too soon, and the less important ones just won't go away.
And HE came on MSN asking me if I were there, and proceed to mention that I seem busy these days, and I simply said "yes, I'm quite busy" and HE said "new bf?" and I never replied.
At 3.30am HE texted again:
I wish I could turn back time.
And a nice long essay in text form followed:
I guess it's time for me to tell my part of my story. First of all, my biggest regret is making you stay up til so late just to chat with me. I find it now so very selfish of me. I can still remember the first time we kissed. You didn't like it at all. You said it was disgusting. It all happened on your bed with you know what song playing. Looking back on things, it has definitely come a long way. Just look at the way you can kiss now. Full of passion I would say. To be truthful, I liked you at first because of your goody two shoes look. (You weren't that fat too back then). Maybe it's because I'm such a good cook *chuckles* Ah! There were also the sms without any spaces as we were trying to type as much as we can without wasting money. Sms-es were kinda expensive back then at 20 cents. Then there was also the job I took at gurney so that we're able to see each other more often. I still remembered when you waited downstairs for as I went for the interview. Then I was asked to bring you upstairs. Actually there has been no major fights between us so far. I only remembered losing my temper and threw some cds out of the window. Who could forget the apartment stays at eddy's aunt's place. And the time where I stayed over at your place til I was dragged home. The time when we went to cold storage to get oranges because I turned up empty handed at your house. We then drove to your aunt's place. But it wasn't a happy new year as you received some bad comment (note to readers: from his parents) Not to forget genting. Long live Solero Space Shots! We had sushi, and McDonald's for breakfast.
And a third text: If you're free I'd like to go out for a drink with you.
To this I replied hours later, "I'll let you know when I'm free"
And just went back into NC
Hours later HE texted back saying "Wow. I used to say that to you. Now you're saying it back to me. What goes around comes around". I never replied...NC
And at 3am this morning again HE texted "Happy new year"
I have no intention of replying.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
The Story of Mau and Chu
The Story of Mau and
Remember how we used to play RO back in school?
I remember your LordHunter.
You took me to GH, loaned me a Bunny Band.
I died there and you asked a priest to resurrect me.
I remember telling a friend, jokingly,
That unless you ask me out on Valentine’s, I will spend it alone.
I fell in love with you then, though I wouldn’t admit it to the world.
The joy when you feel the same way.
Remember how we used to sing in the back of the class?
All those duets and oldies?
Remember how ‘I Want to Spend My Lifetime Loving You’?
All those versions of ‘Yue Liang Dai Piao Wo De Xing’?
I remember…
Remember when we went to Ko-K Farewell Night together?
You were wearing your dad’s shirt – I remember so clearly.
I was wearing a black top – and a skirt.
It was the first time we really held hands, that night, how well I remember.
Remember our first date?
We went to play badminton – and onto
The first thing we ever shared was a pizza.
I remember how you taught me how to cut into a slice.
Remember the first time you kissed me?
It was August 14th, we were in the museum, staring at a map of
Remember the first time we kissed?
It was in my room on November 3rd – the radio was playing…
It was Daniel Bedingfield, ‘If You’re Not the One’.
I will never forget these moments…
Remember when our STPM was drawing near?
How we stayed up into the night sms-ing each other?
Remember when I sent you my first love letter?
And a poem entitled ‘The Monsoon Drain’ written by Hilary Tham.
Remember when we used to work together?
In Parkson Grand?
Remember the times we used to sit on the steps?
Holding hands and making plans?
I remember the one time we cried.
Our results were out and it seemed likely,
That we may part for some time,
Oh, how we didn’t want that!
I remember…
Remember our first Valentine?
We went to the barbeque place off
You were barbeque-ing all the prawns.
I will always remember how much you love them.
Remember our first trip to Batu Feringghi?
I can never forget – I only wanted to spend more time with you.
Of course we contracted eye infections then,
And ended up staying in my room for another two weeks.
I remember all the eye drops.
I remember you telling me for the first time,
How beautiful my eyes were.
I can never forget,
All the kisses, hugs and cuddles we’ve shared.
When I sit thinking of our past,
I can never forget,
How we used to hold each other close.
How we so easily shared everything.
I remember…
It was in those two weeks that,
We came up with nicknames for each other,
I remember how we always ‘manja’ each other,
And thus you’re Mau Mau to me, and will always remain.
Remember how I used to go to the market?
“Chee Cheong Fun mai huan chio mai yu chang keh mua”?
Remember all those mushroom soup days we had?
Remember how I used to cook spaghetti?
I know it’s not that good, I hope in time I shall improve.
I remember the time you cooked for me,
Fish and potato chips, minestrone soup – and sparkling apple juice.
What I wouldn’t give to have all these again.
I remember my birthday – my 21st.
It will be the single most magical moment of my life.
Never have a felt so loved and beautiful.
I will hold close to my heart forever.
I will remember…
Remember how I used to help you with your assignments?
I know I probably wasn’t much help anyway *sad laugh*
Remember all those times when I would check livescore?
For a football match result you wanted.
Remember all those trips to Batu Feringghi to buy shoes?
And the walks along the beach?
I remember this once when we were at Tanjung Bungah,
We were on the beach and it started raining.
Oh, how can I forget our first fishing trip together?
Remember all those characters we’ve trained together in RO?
My sinx, your lord knight, my high priest, your champion?
Remember all those wars we attended together?
Remember last December? – it was the 17th, a Sunday.
When I sneaked into your house?
*edited*
And the first time you drove over.
Remember our first official trip together?
It was Valentine’s Day again – our third.
Genting Highlands never seemed more enchanted than then.
I don’t think I could ever visit, and not think of you.
I cannot forget…
Do you remember?
I cherish all those times you took the bus over to see me.
You feel that it’s stupid, but you never will know how much it matters to me,
How much you matter to me.
I will always love you – que sera sera, whatever will be will be.
All my love,
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly”
- Mariah Carey “Butterfly”
It's Been a Month and I'm Still Sober Part II
This part will discuss what has been happening between the both of us for the past month. A lot of confusion, generally. The night HE broke up with me hurts me very much. And the next day HE asked me out to a movie for the following day. I was hurting too much to accept, and I knew it was just going to be a "friends" thing. I couldn't respond to HIS texts and calls. I know HE was just trying to make sure I didn't hurt too much and that I was ok. HE even called about a job opening in the mall near my house - I didn't answer, so HE sent a text.
I was asking my friends what to do about HIM, and they thought I should let HIM be for awhile to decide what HE really wants. So I did that, and HE called and texted and I never responded. Maybe I should have. And about a week after, HE texted "What if I tell my parents I choose you?" This was what I thought was the cause of the break up. So I asked him to call me that night if HE wanted to talk. And HE texted again "I dare not tell them, nevermind".
Things started out well that night, but went nastily wrong somehow. Turned out that I was right, HE just wanted to make sure I was ok. I asked to meet up on HIS day off, but HE said HE's not sure when HE will be free to go out, and later indicated that all the times HE did go out with me was because HE was forced to, and that really hurts. So well, I did tell HIM to let me know when HE'S free to meet up within the next week. And HE told me that whatever I wanted to let HIM know, couldn't I just text or call. I wanted to meet face to face. HE didn't.
And HE proceeded to tell me exactly why HE broke up with me. And I hurt like I've never hurt before. And HE finished by telling me to give up hope and that HE's got a new girlfriend, named Bobo. So I told HIM, don't worry about meeting up anymore, since I was going to tell HIM I was sorry for hurting him, and maybe talk about working things out. But after what HE said, it's clear HE's just not interested. So I told my mom everything and resolved to start my life without HIM. But I texted him one day and HE called and we talked and HE said that we couldn't get back together because HE'S got a new girlfriend and said that if only I'd answered HIS calls sooner then things would have been different. It was 1am in the morning and I was an emotional wreck. I called Belle and I went to her house, cried on her shoulder and spent the night there. Belle said that even if I had answered HIS calls, things would just probably be the same anyway.
The next day I texted HIM, "I am happy for you, do what you think is right and I'll always be here for you". HE started saying that he's girlfriend is not that good and he regrets being in this relationship. And HE asked for me to reply to HIS texts. Then he remisnicse about the good times we've shared. He continued to contact me for another 2 weeks.
HE wished me a happy birthday the day before my birthday, and asked if there was a possibility of us getting back together, I said yes. But it turned out HE only wanted to be very good friends.
HE also blamed me for the break up, and I admit it was my fault, but I do think HE was thinking about breaking up already. I somehow can tell that it was on HIS mind. HE said I had everything a girl could want. And I asked HIM if that was true, HE said probably not. And mentioned that since HE wasn't good enough to just get going. I asked if HE wanted to work things out and HE said no, again, because HE didn't want to two time.
And then HE sends all mixed signals, like that time HE asked for me to message back within 2 minutes if I wanted another chance. I was scared, hurt and suspicious, so I didn't. I know better by now that HE isn't interested in a relationship with me, HE was just dangling the bait, waiting for me to bite, and once I do bite, HE'LL JUST UNHOOK ME, WITH ME BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE JUST LIKE THE POOR FISH AND CHUCK ME BACK INTO THE RIVER, and HE could start the process all over again. And to hurt me some more.
HE called the next night, wanting to talk to me but ended up texting me, telling me HE's sorry for hurting me and that HE wants to remain friends and ask me not to ignore HIM. I cannot, 3 years is a long time, and I don't want a downgraded relationship.
There was the complication with the vouchers I gave HIM, and HE asked if he could still redeem the kisses and stuff. I told HIM I could give him the money and HE could go with the movies and all. HE said HE doesn't want to go alone, so I asked HIM to bring HIS girl and HE said HE didn't know if she wants to and that HE felt that she was playing with HIM. Seriously, if HE felt that way, I wonder why HE is with her. None of my concern anyway, HIS girlfriend is HIS business and I'm not going to be a third party, hanging onto my ex-boyfriend in hopes that HE will come back to me, like some psychotic, crazy, raving ex-girlfriend. Then I asked him to bring Elf as an option and HE went "Oh", and I asked if HE wanted me to go with HIM and HE said no HE only wanted the freebies. Hurt me again, HE did - too many times to count. And HE asked again why HE couldn't redeem the kisses and hugs. I'm no longer his girlfriend. Elf's dad passed away this day, and over MSN, he suggested that I should go for Elf. What's that all about anyway?
After a couple of days, HE texted to say HE was tired and wondering if I could help HIM. I asked HIM what was wrong and HE said everything. I was busy so I told HIM to let me know if there was anything I can do. After a couple of hours I texted him back asking if HE was ok. HE said HE didn't know what HE was feeling and that it was not a nice feeling. That night, we texted each other a bit. The following night, HE asked why I never replied to HIS text(s). I only received one about HIM falling asleep the previous night. HE got annoyed and said that I seem busy and that I should be carrying on with my stuff. I did and HE texted back saying he's thinking about giving me a chance but I don't seem to want it. Trying to hurt me again I realize. And HE mentioned that HE wants me slim and beautiful.
HE didn't text for almost two days, then on 4am Sunday morning, he texted that we couldn't be together as much as we wanted to (yeah...we...it's only me, HE doesn't want it obviously, or we would have) because he's got a girlfriend. (For the third time HE said this)
What I don't get is although HE personally told me about HIS girlfriend, HE had to keep asking me questions like "How you know I've a girlfriend?", "You believe I've a girlfriend?", "Do you know what her name is?". HE'S trying his hardest to hurt me. This I am certain.
And the next morning, he texted again "You're mean. You break my heart". No, YOU broke mine, again and again that it's so difficult to heal, to put together the broken pieces. For the third time HE'S telling me we cannot ever be together, and yet HE'S trying to play mind games to hurt me furthermore so that I can keep hoping to get back together with HIM, when after three times, I've got that message loud and clear.
I confided in Elf, and Elf actually confronted him. I didn't ask Elf to do so, I just told Elf how hurt and confused HIS mixed signals and messages that don't quite add up or fit made me feel. It's like one second HE thinks about getting back together, but the next HE doesn't. And all the times, HE doesn't...because of the girlfriend. And yet HE keeps throwing me crumbs.
Elf told me he confronted HIM, and how HE mentioned that I was lucky HE even contacts me, after all I've done to HIM. HE just so enjoys hurting me, dangling his girlfriend in front of me to make me suffer the pain and watching me hurt. Me, the girl HE used to love, and who love HIM so much.
最后的疼爱是手放开 - the last bit of affection is letting go of the hands
I was asking my friends what to do about HIM, and they thought I should let HIM be for awhile to decide what HE really wants. So I did that, and HE called and texted and I never responded. Maybe I should have. And about a week after, HE texted "What if I tell my parents I choose you?" This was what I thought was the cause of the break up. So I asked him to call me that night if HE wanted to talk. And HE texted again "I dare not tell them, nevermind".
Things started out well that night, but went nastily wrong somehow. Turned out that I was right, HE just wanted to make sure I was ok. I asked to meet up on HIS day off, but HE said HE's not sure when HE will be free to go out, and later indicated that all the times HE did go out with me was because HE was forced to, and that really hurts. So well, I did tell HIM to let me know when HE'S free to meet up within the next week. And HE told me that whatever I wanted to let HIM know, couldn't I just text or call. I wanted to meet face to face. HE didn't.
And HE proceeded to tell me exactly why HE broke up with me. And I hurt like I've never hurt before. And HE finished by telling me to give up hope and that HE's got a new girlfriend, named Bobo. So I told HIM, don't worry about meeting up anymore, since I was going to tell HIM I was sorry for hurting him, and maybe talk about working things out. But after what HE said, it's clear HE's just not interested. So I told my mom everything and resolved to start my life without HIM. But I texted him one day and HE called and we talked and HE said that we couldn't get back together because HE'S got a new girlfriend and said that if only I'd answered HIS calls sooner then things would have been different. It was 1am in the morning and I was an emotional wreck. I called Belle and I went to her house, cried on her shoulder and spent the night there. Belle said that even if I had answered HIS calls, things would just probably be the same anyway.
The next day I texted HIM, "I am happy for you, do what you think is right and I'll always be here for you". HE started saying that he's girlfriend is not that good and he regrets being in this relationship. And HE asked for me to reply to HIS texts. Then he remisnicse about the good times we've shared. He continued to contact me for another 2 weeks.
HE wished me a happy birthday the day before my birthday, and asked if there was a possibility of us getting back together, I said yes. But it turned out HE only wanted to be very good friends.
HE also blamed me for the break up, and I admit it was my fault, but I do think HE was thinking about breaking up already. I somehow can tell that it was on HIS mind. HE said I had everything a girl could want. And I asked HIM if that was true, HE said probably not. And mentioned that since HE wasn't good enough to just get going. I asked if HE wanted to work things out and HE said no, again, because HE didn't want to two time.
And then HE sends all mixed signals, like that time HE asked for me to message back within 2 minutes if I wanted another chance. I was scared, hurt and suspicious, so I didn't. I know better by now that HE isn't interested in a relationship with me, HE was just dangling the bait, waiting for me to bite, and once I do bite, HE'LL JUST UNHOOK ME, WITH ME BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE JUST LIKE THE POOR FISH AND CHUCK ME BACK INTO THE RIVER, and HE could start the process all over again. And to hurt me some more.
HE called the next night, wanting to talk to me but ended up texting me, telling me HE's sorry for hurting me and that HE wants to remain friends and ask me not to ignore HIM. I cannot, 3 years is a long time, and I don't want a downgraded relationship.
There was the complication with the vouchers I gave HIM, and HE asked if he could still redeem the kisses and stuff. I told HIM I could give him the money and HE could go with the movies and all. HE said HE doesn't want to go alone, so I asked HIM to bring HIS girl and HE said HE didn't know if she wants to and that HE felt that she was playing with HIM. Seriously, if HE felt that way, I wonder why HE is with her. None of my concern anyway, HIS girlfriend is HIS business and I'm not going to be a third party, hanging onto my ex-boyfriend in hopes that HE will come back to me, like some psychotic, crazy, raving ex-girlfriend. Then I asked him to bring Elf as an option and HE went "Oh", and I asked if HE wanted me to go with HIM and HE said no HE only wanted the freebies. Hurt me again, HE did - too many times to count. And HE asked again why HE couldn't redeem the kisses and hugs. I'm no longer his girlfriend. Elf's dad passed away this day, and over MSN, he suggested that I should go for Elf. What's that all about anyway?
After a couple of days, HE texted to say HE was tired and wondering if I could help HIM. I asked HIM what was wrong and HE said everything. I was busy so I told HIM to let me know if there was anything I can do. After a couple of hours I texted him back asking if HE was ok. HE said HE didn't know what HE was feeling and that it was not a nice feeling. That night, we texted each other a bit. The following night, HE asked why I never replied to HIS text(s). I only received one about HIM falling asleep the previous night. HE got annoyed and said that I seem busy and that I should be carrying on with my stuff. I did and HE texted back saying he's thinking about giving me a chance but I don't seem to want it. Trying to hurt me again I realize. And HE mentioned that HE wants me slim and beautiful.
HE didn't text for almost two days, then on 4am Sunday morning, he texted that we couldn't be together as much as we wanted to (yeah...we...it's only me, HE doesn't want it obviously, or we would have) because he's got a girlfriend. (For the third time HE said this)
What I don't get is although HE personally told me about HIS girlfriend, HE had to keep asking me questions like "How you know I've a girlfriend?", "You believe I've a girlfriend?", "Do you know what her name is?". HE'S trying his hardest to hurt me. This I am certain.
And the next morning, he texted again "You're mean. You break my heart". No, YOU broke mine, again and again that it's so difficult to heal, to put together the broken pieces. For the third time HE'S telling me we cannot ever be together, and yet HE'S trying to play mind games to hurt me furthermore so that I can keep hoping to get back together with HIM, when after three times, I've got that message loud and clear.
I confided in Elf, and Elf actually confronted him. I didn't ask Elf to do so, I just told Elf how hurt and confused HIS mixed signals and messages that don't quite add up or fit made me feel. It's like one second HE thinks about getting back together, but the next HE doesn't. And all the times, HE doesn't...because of the girlfriend. And yet HE keeps throwing me crumbs.
Elf told me he confronted HIM, and how HE mentioned that I was lucky HE even contacts me, after all I've done to HIM. HE just so enjoys hurting me, dangling his girlfriend in front of me to make me suffer the pain and watching me hurt. Me, the girl HE used to love, and who love HIM so much.
最后的疼爱是手放开 - the last bit of affection is letting go of the hands
It's Been a Month, and I'm Still Sober Part I
We've broken up for a month now. I feel better at times, and totally crap at other times. To sum the past month up, I've been out a bit, did things I enjoy, bought some new clothes, got a new hairstyle, and lost a lot of weight, which is a good sign. As of now, I'm 59kg. Not too bad, Chu! My new clothes include a couple of dresses, which of course, includes a gorgeous white strapless, wore that to the party the other day. I actually do feel good about myself. Went back to campus and friends definitely noticed that I'd lost weight. People actually even complimented me on my new look. So I am happy for that.
What I've learnt from this break up is that physical appearance is important. Ideally, it does not last, but it doesn't hurt to look good. HE doesn't think I'm beautiful. But truth be told, I just think he doesn't know how beautiful I am, and how beautiful I may be. It is in the eye of the beholder. HE hasn't seen me in a month, HE has no idea how different I look now, and guess what, he never will, for I really don't think our paths will cross again. It hurts, but it's a reality. How could a love so beautiful end like that? I have to just pick myself up, give God the pieces, so He may fix my broken heart, help me heal and move on with life. HE just doesn't want me anymore, and God give me the wisdom and the strength to accept this and to just let it go, please.
"God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other."
I could change to be a better person, for the next person who comes along, whoever that may be. Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be.
What I've learnt from this break up is that physical appearance is important. Ideally, it does not last, but it doesn't hurt to look good. HE doesn't think I'm beautiful. But truth be told, I just think he doesn't know how beautiful I am, and how beautiful I may be. It is in the eye of the beholder. HE hasn't seen me in a month, HE has no idea how different I look now, and guess what, he never will, for I really don't think our paths will cross again. It hurts, but it's a reality. How could a love so beautiful end like that? I have to just pick myself up, give God the pieces, so He may fix my broken heart, help me heal and move on with life. HE just doesn't want me anymore, and God give me the wisdom and the strength to accept this and to just let it go, please.
"God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other."
I could change to be a better person, for the next person who comes along, whoever that may be. Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Alluring Aries and Sexy Scorpios
There is honestly two types of guys I will have an inclination to. Alluring Aries and Sexy Scorpios. *Laughs* Seriously. I get along well with guys born under these signs.
Firstly, there is Daryll, darling godbro. He's an Aries. And we have a very good connection with each other. I can tell him anything and everything. I remembered when both my grandmothers passed away at around the same time. I was in a bit of a mess, because I was close to them. Daryll was such a comfortable friend back then, always with me and making sure I was ok. I appreciate that it hadn't been easy for him. It is hard to find words to say to someone whose loved one has departed. I experienced the exact same thing with Elf. Was I attracted to him? Haha, rather..to be honest. But I didn't know what exactly I was attracted to. Not that "Oh my God...I just need to have you" kind of attraction. We are just really comfortable friends. I mean we can sit together and our arms or legs would casually touch and we know that it's really nothing. I would be totally comfortable punching him and he could just put his arm around me without feeling awkward. Somehow we just know that we'll always be good friends and "siblings".
Then there's HIM. HE's arrogant and so full of himself that I was much attracted to him from the start. HE was good-looking and smart and funny. We always had things to talk about and things were really passionate between us. So we don't have sex, our relationship was that of one founded on pure love. Things ended. Though I wish it hadn't, there is not much that I can do about it. HE was an Aries too. Still is, in fact.
Kok Chee I worked with when I was 17. He's Scorpio. I won't say we had much in common, coming from different backgrounds, him, from a Chinese speaking one, and myself, from an English speaking one, we just don't click that well. But there was something about him I found attractive. His height? They way he carried himself? They way he worked so hard? I don't know.
Recently there was this guy, it's better not to say who, a Scorpio too. We had lots in common I guess, except coming from different backgrounds. Attracted to him? Rather. He isn't at all good-looking but I do think he is endearing in his own way. And he also is a bit older, so I would go so far as to say he is wise in years. I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't think I can see myself with him, it will be a very complicated relationship if anything were to happen, because of our connections. It just wouldn't be wise and would involve much hurt and betrayal. Besides, I still love HIM.
Firstly, there is Daryll, darling godbro. He's an Aries. And we have a very good connection with each other. I can tell him anything and everything. I remembered when both my grandmothers passed away at around the same time. I was in a bit of a mess, because I was close to them. Daryll was such a comfortable friend back then, always with me and making sure I was ok. I appreciate that it hadn't been easy for him. It is hard to find words to say to someone whose loved one has departed. I experienced the exact same thing with Elf. Was I attracted to him? Haha, rather..to be honest. But I didn't know what exactly I was attracted to. Not that "Oh my God...I just need to have you" kind of attraction. We are just really comfortable friends. I mean we can sit together and our arms or legs would casually touch and we know that it's really nothing. I would be totally comfortable punching him and he could just put his arm around me without feeling awkward. Somehow we just know that we'll always be good friends and "siblings".
Then there's HIM. HE's arrogant and so full of himself that I was much attracted to him from the start. HE was good-looking and smart and funny. We always had things to talk about and things were really passionate between us. So we don't have sex, our relationship was that of one founded on pure love. Things ended. Though I wish it hadn't, there is not much that I can do about it. HE was an Aries too. Still is, in fact.
Kok Chee I worked with when I was 17. He's Scorpio. I won't say we had much in common, coming from different backgrounds, him, from a Chinese speaking one, and myself, from an English speaking one, we just don't click that well. But there was something about him I found attractive. His height? They way he carried himself? They way he worked so hard? I don't know.
Recently there was this guy, it's better not to say who, a Scorpio too. We had lots in common I guess, except coming from different backgrounds. Attracted to him? Rather. He isn't at all good-looking but I do think he is endearing in his own way. And he also is a bit older, so I would go so far as to say he is wise in years. I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't think I can see myself with him, it will be a very complicated relationship if anything were to happen, because of our connections. It just wouldn't be wise and would involve much hurt and betrayal. Besides, I still love HIM.
Friday, December 21, 2007
If Life is So Short
What happened over the past week really gets me thinking. Life is short. Elf's dad passed away Sunday afternoon (peace be with him) of heart failure, quite unexpected. Of course I feel for him, it hasn't been easy.
And it could have so easily have been me instead. What if it was my dad? And not Elf's? How would I have handled it? I'm the eldest too. What would become of my brother and sister? And my mom? I haven't completed my studies yet and cannot just up roots from USM to get a job to support my family. And mom couldn't possibly do all the work.
Things like this just happened. And if it happens to me, I'll just do what someone wise told me to, "be strong". Easier said then done.
And it could have so easily have been me instead. What if it was my dad? And not Elf's? How would I have handled it? I'm the eldest too. What would become of my brother and sister? And my mom? I haven't completed my studies yet and cannot just up roots from USM to get a job to support my family. And mom couldn't possibly do all the work.
Things like this just happened. And if it happens to me, I'll just do what someone wise told me to, "be strong". Easier said then done.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Date Again?
Definitely not. There are guys that I like. Like, mind you. Not attracted to. But no. No dates for me yet. Seriously. Even if there is a guy who chases me like mad, I still wouldn't go for him. Even if I like him.
It just wouldn't be fair to him. I mean, I can't love someone when I'm still in love with someone else.
It just wouldn't be fair to him. I mean, I can't love someone when I'm still in love with someone else.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The Weekend - Sushi, a Gorgeous Dress...and a 'Date'
The results came in on Friday. I'm surprised that I did really well last semester. I even received a solid A for my sociolinguistics paper. Surprise surprise! I thought that maybe I had screwed it up, what with that nasty piece of research and all. And Semantics! That went quite well too! Had an A-, really wasn't expecting that because I didn't think I did that well in the exams, maybe I did much better on my assignment? And I'm surprised to get B+ in everything else, considering I kept skipping classes for my other three courses.
Went to uni on Friday too, to get my courses for the next semester sorted out. I'm not loving my new timetable too much. Although I don't have any classes on Mondays and Tuesdays but my timetable for Wednesday through to Friday is packed. All I can do now is put my hands together and pray that I do not have to sign up for a tutorial scheduled for Mondays or Tuesdays, so I can keep my them free. Oh please, oh please! Taking another five courses this semester as well. Busy, busy.
Then went to catch a movie with friends, since we finished registeration before 5pm. HE didn't text me either throughout the day.
Hopefully I'll be so busy I won't have time to think about HIM.
Yesterday was Saturday. To sum it up, there was a certain feeling of disappointment and of emptiness. HE never texted me the whole day, after what we said to each other on Friday night. I really cannot truly be nothing but only a friend to HIM right now. It hurts.
I went out. Went for sushi and then some shopping with Belle and Feli. I even bought a dress. I haven't voluntarily bought a dress, like, ever? So, I really like this dress, expensive but I thought it was pretty. Belle and Feli thought that the fastest way for me to change my appearance is to get a whole new different wardrobe. Trust me, Belle even went as far as saying that she's going through my closet and chucking out things that she feels no longer suits me. Haha. I find that funny. But I really DO need a new wardrobe. And new shoes. And new hair. Like, now. Both Belle and Feli has been really good to me. And Ivan too, of course.
Then I met a guy friend for a movie. I won't mention names. This isn't a rebound or anything. No. I don't need a guy to make me feel loved and complete, especially not now when my feelings are all jumbled up and I still think of HIM daily. I cannot get into a new relationship before I completely get over the old one. It won't be fair to a new guy when I cannot give him 100% of myself. Anyway, this isn't a date. Just spending some time with a person whose company I enjoy. I really haven't been to the movies with him before, or indeed any other guy before, for the past three years.
He was a bit late. Half an hour late. But he did offer an explanation. He dressed up. And mentioned his friend teasing him that his dressing up was because he thought he was going out on a date. And he had some fragrance on, but I suppose it was normal for him to do that. He even offered his wriste to let me have a sniff at it. So we bought tickets to Alvin and the Chipmunks, heroes of my childhood, haha. He paid for the drinks and the popcorn. I paid for the tickets. And then we went into the cinema. Weirdly, he was a bit of a gentleman. Even if he did know this wasn't a date, and I was just a friend. Oh, anyway, he's not interested in me anymore than I am interested in him. He opened the door into the screening teater for me.
So before the movie started, we talked a bit. I told him that "a broken heart is a heart that has felt love". He laughed. And I asked why he was laughing. He told me that he's been there and said the same thing before. And he thought that it was funny that he'd hear what he'd heard from me. He mentioned that if I were to hear something that I myself had mentioned some time back, it would also seem funny to me.
And he sat with he arms folded throughout. It was a cute, funny movie, I forgot about HIM momentarily. And just when I realize that I'd forgotten, HE'D immediately return to my thoughts. Anyway, I thought he had a cute way of laughing as well. He sounded like a child when he did laugh at the funny bits in the movie. And there was this moment when I swear that I smelt his cologne. The person to my left was a kid, and kids don't wear perfumes, so it had to be him.
Then we went to BIG to pay my dear sis a visit. He didn't think we looked alike, thank God. Sis didn't think he was cute, and honestly neither did I, but I do think he is endearing. After a bit we excused ourselves and went to get something to eat. He wasn't too keen on eating. He thought he's gained weight, but he did want to go get a root beer.
So we did. And he asked if I wanted to split a meal. What I immediately thought was, I wasn't going to bite into the same burger. He said I could have the fries. So I did, and he ate the burger. And we talked about things, my break up and all. He assured me that I wasn't fat. He merely mentioned that my hair could do with some work.
And then I had to go. My siblings wanted their McDonald's fix, and I had to go get it. But what I didn't expect was that he went with me. And he sat with me, waiting for my bro's quarter pounder. Besides Daryll and Joshua, I don't think any other guy has been so 'gentlemanly'. Honest. Ok, so Daryll wasn't much of a gentleman. But he does really care about me, and we are really comfortable with each other.
He went home when I did. And later, on MSN, he mentioned that I looked good in office wear and said that maybe a more mature style/way of dressing suits me better. I laughed and he said not to take it as an insult. So I took it as a compliment, and it really made my day not so bad after all, what with not hearing from HIM the whole day.
Anyway, HE did MSN me too, much to my surprise.
HIM: Hi
ME: ?
HIM: LOL
ME: *silence*
HIM: You're a mean mean chu
ME: Why
HIM: Only you will know why
ME: *silence*
HIM: Hmm...you there?
ME: Yes?
HIM: What you doing?
HIM: Class start de?
ME: Yea
HIM: Already started?
ME: Commencing
HIM: Owh
Most weird. And this morning he texted me all the smileys available on his phone. Wonder what he expects me to respond?
Went to uni on Friday too, to get my courses for the next semester sorted out. I'm not loving my new timetable too much. Although I don't have any classes on Mondays and Tuesdays but my timetable for Wednesday through to Friday is packed. All I can do now is put my hands together and pray that I do not have to sign up for a tutorial scheduled for Mondays or Tuesdays, so I can keep my them free. Oh please, oh please! Taking another five courses this semester as well. Busy, busy.
Then went to catch a movie with friends, since we finished registeration before 5pm. HE didn't text me either throughout the day.
Hopefully I'll be so busy I won't have time to think about HIM.
Yesterday was Saturday. To sum it up, there was a certain feeling of disappointment and of emptiness. HE never texted me the whole day, after what we said to each other on Friday night. I really cannot truly be nothing but only a friend to HIM right now. It hurts.
I went out. Went for sushi and then some shopping with Belle and Feli. I even bought a dress. I haven't voluntarily bought a dress, like, ever? So, I really like this dress, expensive but I thought it was pretty. Belle and Feli thought that the fastest way for me to change my appearance is to get a whole new different wardrobe. Trust me, Belle even went as far as saying that she's going through my closet and chucking out things that she feels no longer suits me. Haha. I find that funny. But I really DO need a new wardrobe. And new shoes. And new hair. Like, now. Both Belle and Feli has been really good to me. And Ivan too, of course.
Then I met a guy friend for a movie. I won't mention names. This isn't a rebound or anything. No. I don't need a guy to make me feel loved and complete, especially not now when my feelings are all jumbled up and I still think of HIM daily. I cannot get into a new relationship before I completely get over the old one. It won't be fair to a new guy when I cannot give him 100% of myself. Anyway, this isn't a date. Just spending some time with a person whose company I enjoy. I really haven't been to the movies with him before, or indeed any other guy before, for the past three years.
He was a bit late. Half an hour late. But he did offer an explanation. He dressed up. And mentioned his friend teasing him that his dressing up was because he thought he was going out on a date. And he had some fragrance on, but I suppose it was normal for him to do that. He even offered his wriste to let me have a sniff at it. So we bought tickets to Alvin and the Chipmunks, heroes of my childhood, haha. He paid for the drinks and the popcorn. I paid for the tickets. And then we went into the cinema. Weirdly, he was a bit of a gentleman. Even if he did know this wasn't a date, and I was just a friend. Oh, anyway, he's not interested in me anymore than I am interested in him. He opened the door into the screening teater for me.
So before the movie started, we talked a bit. I told him that "a broken heart is a heart that has felt love". He laughed. And I asked why he was laughing. He told me that he's been there and said the same thing before. And he thought that it was funny that he'd hear what he'd heard from me. He mentioned that if I were to hear something that I myself had mentioned some time back, it would also seem funny to me.
And he sat with he arms folded throughout. It was a cute, funny movie, I forgot about HIM momentarily. And just when I realize that I'd forgotten, HE'D immediately return to my thoughts. Anyway, I thought he had a cute way of laughing as well. He sounded like a child when he did laugh at the funny bits in the movie. And there was this moment when I swear that I smelt his cologne. The person to my left was a kid, and kids don't wear perfumes, so it had to be him.
Then we went to BIG to pay my dear sis a visit. He didn't think we looked alike, thank God. Sis didn't think he was cute, and honestly neither did I, but I do think he is endearing. After a bit we excused ourselves and went to get something to eat. He wasn't too keen on eating. He thought he's gained weight, but he did want to go get a root beer.
So we did. And he asked if I wanted to split a meal. What I immediately thought was, I wasn't going to bite into the same burger. He said I could have the fries. So I did, and he ate the burger. And we talked about things, my break up and all. He assured me that I wasn't fat. He merely mentioned that my hair could do with some work.
And then I had to go. My siblings wanted their McDonald's fix, and I had to go get it. But what I didn't expect was that he went with me. And he sat with me, waiting for my bro's quarter pounder. Besides Daryll and Joshua, I don't think any other guy has been so 'gentlemanly'. Honest. Ok, so Daryll wasn't much of a gentleman. But he does really care about me, and we are really comfortable with each other.
He went home when I did. And later, on MSN, he mentioned that I looked good in office wear and said that maybe a more mature style/way of dressing suits me better. I laughed and he said not to take it as an insult. So I took it as a compliment, and it really made my day not so bad after all, what with not hearing from HIM the whole day.
Anyway, HE did MSN me too, much to my surprise.
HIM: Hi
ME: ?
HIM: LOL
ME: *silence*
HIM: You're a mean mean chu
ME: Why
HIM: Only you will know why
ME: *silence*
HIM: Hmm...you there?
ME: Yes?
HIM: What you doing?
HIM: Class start de?
ME: Yea
HIM: Already started?
ME: Commencing
HIM: Owh
Most weird. And this morning he texted me all the smileys available on his phone. Wonder what he expects me to respond?
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Some Sweet Sad Quotes
Some quotes I came across. Meant for the broken-hearted, like myself.
Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them.
Why do we wait until it is too late? Why do we let someone else have what we were too scared to reach out and take?
Love that we can not have is the one that last the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest.
I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry.
Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul.
A broken heart is a heart that has felt love.
Even if he doesn't like me tomorrow, I knew he loved me yesterday.
They say that if you love someone you should let them go, but they never say what to do when they don't come back.
If tears could build a stairway on memories alone, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again.
I could fill a thousand pages telling you how I felt and still you would not understand. So now I leave without a sound, except that of my heart shattering as it hits the ground.
Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
We cannot beg someone to stay if they want to leave and be with someone else. We have to admit that love doesn't give us the license to own a person. This is what love means...sacrifice.
Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.
Should I smile because he's my friend, or cry because that's all he is?
One can not truly experience the beauty of love without enduring the pain that comes with it once it is lost
If you ever get lonely and you want to see my face, look at the sky, smell the air, close your eyes, and you'll find me.
You will know that you love someone when you want him/her to be happy. Even if that means you're not a part of their happiness.
You don't have to let it slip away but you want to, I don't want to let it slip away but I have to.
Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them.
Why do we wait until it is too late? Why do we let someone else have what we were too scared to reach out and take?
Love that we can not have is the one that last the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest.
I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry.
Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul.
A broken heart is a heart that has felt love.
Even if he doesn't like me tomorrow, I knew he loved me yesterday.
They say that if you love someone you should let them go, but they never say what to do when they don't come back.
If tears could build a stairway on memories alone, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again.
I could fill a thousand pages telling you how I felt and still you would not understand. So now I leave without a sound, except that of my heart shattering as it hits the ground.
Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
We cannot beg someone to stay if they want to leave and be with someone else. We have to admit that love doesn't give us the license to own a person. This is what love means...sacrifice.
Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.
Should I smile because he's my friend, or cry because that's all he is?
One can not truly experience the beauty of love without enduring the pain that comes with it once it is lost
If you ever get lonely and you want to see my face, look at the sky, smell the air, close your eyes, and you'll find me.
You will know that you love someone when you want him/her to be happy. Even if that means you're not a part of their happiness.
You don't have to let it slip away but you want to, I don't want to let it slip away but I have to.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Final Weekend
This is my last weekend being 21. Today is already Sunday. I haven't slept at all on Friday night, and for most of Saturday. Haven't ate much either, haha. I'm down to 60kg now, compared to a year ago. I was 75kg then, so I see this as quite an improvement!
Feeling totally disoriented now from lack of sleep. Wanted to go for WoE last night but the point reload page is down, so I couldn't top up my ID, which means I've missed a week's wars. *Sigh*. I have been so looking forward to this, since the eRO and mRO servers' merge. Oh well, hope I can make it on Wednesday then. Last two wars before I go back to my studies!
Feeling totally disoriented now from lack of sleep. Wanted to go for WoE last night but the point reload page is down, so I couldn't top up my ID, which means I've missed a week's wars. *Sigh*. I have been so looking forward to this, since the eRO and mRO servers' merge. Oh well, hope I can make it on Wednesday then. Last two wars before I go back to my studies!
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